The Cross

I don't know if anyone continues to read my blog since I returned home. Many times I feel like life here is not as exciting as it is in Zambia. But I would be wrong. The Lord is alive and active in my life here just as much as He is in Zambia, it just looks a little different.

This week, I have wrestled with the Lord. I mean really wrestled...with anger, forgiveness, sadness, anxiety... and I have to tell you that I am constantly amazed by the grace and love that the Lord showers over me. I love that He ALWAYS leads me by His Spirit and His word.

God has been rocking my world for about 6 months now. In preparation for Zambia I felt joy, anticipation and encouragement. In Zambia I felt utter joy, challenge, frustration, a great spirit of encouragement. Upon my arrival home I felt sadness, renewed strength, a new desire for the Lord, but quite disappointed to be home. In relationships I have felt encouraged, loved, broken, hurt, desired, helped and helpless. For the future, I lack understanding and vision at the moment which leaves me feeing confused and sometimes frustrated.

I know that some of you may be thinking that this is discouraging, but through these experiences the Lord continually brings me back to the foot of the cross where He brings me to a place of submission. And in my own stubbornness and obstinance, still chooses to rain down his love and mercy upon me. As I look back on the amazing work the Lord has done in my life, I realize that every lesson I have learned in love and in life comes back to what Christ accomplished on the cross for me.

Nothing I do in life matters, if I don't do it for Christ. No journey I take will be successful without Christ, and praise Him for it! He desires me so much that He will continually remove obstacles in my life to draw me closer to Him, even if it brings me deep hurt. People have always said to me, "God's purposes are higher than our own, and His knowledge is infinite and beyond our understanding." Over the past two years, I have come to understand what that means, although I don't always understand why He works situations the way He does. But my understanding of how and why He works situations is not important, it is that I trust in Him and in His goodness towards me.

My prayer for all who read this is that you would experience Christ working in your life this way. That despite joy, disappointments, and all the other array of emotions or situations you may endure, that you could still look at Christ and wonder at His character. He is higher than your hopes, higher than your dreams, and that is a scary thing sometimes.

The more I realize that He is in control of my life, the more hope I have for the future, because He is the only thing/person worth hoping in. I am so thankful that when I look at my life, I can see how the Lord has prepared me for situations that He would bring me through, gave me healing and hope, has caused me to endure and has made me a better friend, lover, sister, daughter, co-worker, etc. I am looking forward to seeing what He has for me next.

Psalms 3:3-5
"But you are a shield around me, O Lord;
you bestow glory upon me and lift up my head.
To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because he Lord sustains me."